Walk With Me [my growing pains] (Part 6)

So… I’ll finally be honest about this one issue that I’ve never really talked to anyone about before. (Takes a deep breath) I have a bad habit of falling for women who have the potential to be a good woman/wife or are actually really sweet but make some unwise/unhealthy decisions; poor choices.

I don’t know why that is, man… I mean, I do. But it’s weird, I guess. I don’t know if anyone can relate to me when I say that some struggles are beautiful. And what makes them beautiful to me is the hope that a person will come out on the other side. That hope is what drives me to get so close to people and fight so hard… and just cling with a tight grip. ‘Cause all I think about is Romans 8:18… I just be wanting to see that glory revealed so bad.

And in the beginning, that’s all I want… but then I start catching feelings. Especially when they end up giving me so much attention. And no, I’m not struggling with being lonely. I do fine by myself. Like, I know that if God called me to be single, I can do it. Like, there might be times where I long for a companion… but at the end of the day, I would still be alright, by the grace of God. Honestly. ‘Cause I can do what I want, by myself. I can chase my passions and not be distracted, by myself. I don’t have to put up with the things that come along with being in a relationship, when I’m by myself. I can do me, by myself and not have to worry about anyone else. I’d be alright. Shoot, I’m alright now! Well… a little. If I was totally fine, I wouldn’t be writing this.

So, as I was saying; it’s when I consistently invest my time, effort and energy into a person, especially a woman, I start feel some type of way towards them. Or if we just click on a level I didn’t expect us to… or have a lot of stuff in common as far as backgrounds, issues, things we like and don’t like, things we say, music… all that type of stuff. That’s when it gets hard not to fall for that or cling to that woman. Because in that, I find something I don’t ever want to lose; someone who gets it… someone who gets me. So I become very emotionally driven and passionate towards this thing I feel like I’ve never had… and I get attached. I latch on quickly and hold on as tight as I can. But it don’t always turn out the way I hope for it to… Shoot, it never has and may never will.

And, if I’m honest, I still got some issues I need to work through. I’m not like super bad off or nothing, but I won’t take my stuff lightly. Like, I’ve had my share of messing some stuff up because my past got in the way or my emotions got the best of me or I just wasn’t ready… bottom line though, is I always end up hurt because I fell for “potential” or I fell for a dream. I wish I wasn’t so easy, you know? I think the only way to stop it is to like just cut women off or something… but that would suck because I don’t really have a lot of brothers in Christ that I go to on a regular basis. And I feel bad for saying that because I have some in my circle… I just never know where to begin with reaching out to them. I don’t know if they’ll get it.

So, I guess I should apologize in advance for this, brothers; ‘cause me being me; I just don’t think that my brothers would get me, the same way women do. Because I’m a sensitive person and I’m very passionate/emotional about some stuff. That’s just me… And most dudes be trying to act tough, or emotionless. That ain’t me. Maybe as a man, I need some tougher skin or something… I don’t know. But maybe that’s why me and women click a lot. (Sighs) Anyway, my brothers, ya’ll can get on to me and correct me later… And before I go any further, I just wann’a say that this is not me “firing shots” or “throwing shade”… I’m a writer. This is how I vent and get past stuff. But here’s this piece of the journey… I call it, “Cuts & Bruises”:

Got me in my head right now… Like; man, look now/ You better get this stuff together ‘fore ya’ heart break down/ Stop falling for everything that has potential/ You can’t even be mad; man, you know she has issues//

What do you expect when you know they’re not whole, bro/ I know you know better, tell me when you gon’ learn though/ You steady getting your heart broke; you do it to yourself/ And you go so hard, you sit your dreams on the shelf//

I know you like them, and they might like you/ But you the only one to lose when it all falls through/ At least that’s how it feels when you up all night/ and you tryn’a go to sleep but ya’ heart still in a fight//

You gott’a stop this nonsense, ’cause I can’t take it/ I’m the only one who feels you when your heart is breaking/ And I’m tired of going in circles, we just got back outt’a orbit/ Now you staring at the ceiling, feeling bad… on the floor, sick//

These girls ain’t worth it and I know you want a good one/ But it’s time to give this up and just say you had a good run/ ‘Cause I’m sick of the hurt, they keep leaving us broke/ I just wann’a give it up, let me reach for the rope//

You’ve tried your best, you gave’em nothing less/ Though there were a couple times that you made a mess/ So I can see why you’re scared, I’m aware of your fears/ We get so high to fall and it leaves us tears//

You should try staying single, though it’s hard to imagine/ But at least you’ll have time to pursue all your passions/ But I know you have a dream to have woman on your team/ So you ain’t gon’ stop… and that makes me wann’a scream//

I’ll say this though; you staying you’re true to your name/ How you still wann’a fight in the midst of the pain/ I guess it’s just in you to do this/ It seems you don’t mind – the cuts or the bruises//

Pray for me, my brothers and sisters. If you have any; leave your tips or insight, wisdom or whatever you have to say in the comments. I won’t mind it. I’ll be the first to say that I need help or just to be stronger in this area or something. I don’t know… Just keep me lifted in prayer. Thanks, in advance. I always want to put this in the air; if you, as a woman, have noticed that I’ve grown distant from you, it could be for this very reason right here. I’m trying not to fall for you in the shape I’m in. As I said during one part of this journey, I’m complicated. I don’t meant to be… But I am.


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