After writing out why I don’t really open up to people like I used to and then speaking up about who I really am in my two most recent posts (I’m The Wolf and Walk With Me [my growing pains] (Part 2)), I thought to myself, “I can be so complicated… I don’t know what I want”… And honestly, it’s often hard to keep hold of what I want without feeling like I don’t want it later.
So… If I’m honest, I’m one of the most complicated people I know… But I’m working on it… in in time, I’ll get there… I’ll get out of this… This morning, I wrote this… It’s called “Complicated”:
Man, it’s so complicated… I don’t know how to explain this/And I try to wrap my mind around it; I never can contain it/ How do I describe the way I’m feeling? It’s so deep down in my soul/ I don’t know if I should hold it dear or if I need to let go//
I’m frustrated, just thinking about it… I feel myself getting angry/ I need to calm down, take a walk and just breathe/ I’m just like,”What have I become?! What’s the source of the anxiety?!”/ I’m always scared of something, creating so many many possibilities//
I feel so freaking complicated… in my mind I have this destination/ But I’ll never get there with all these fears that’s caused this hesitation/ I wann’a be, I wann’a go, I wann’a do, I wann’a feel/ I got my dreams mapped out but can’t seem to make’em real//
How did I get comfortable in this box when God’s prepared for me a mansion/ Could it be this thing called life, this whole journey’s left me damaged/ I hate that I struggle with embracing people; I really wann’a bond/ But the moment I feel too close to hurt, I wann’a pack it up and run//
I swear I don’t wann’a be this way, but I feel I’m in the safest place/ When I retreat to my room, I get to writing; creating my own space/ I’m in my head, I’m plotting; making it real on this paper/ I be so gone in my own world its so long before you see me later//
I know we just walked into a new year, but still have some of the same fears/ I said I’d be courageous, I guess I lied… unless I change here/ I started going to therapy, so maybe that’ll help/ I know that I can’t handle all my weight by myself//
So, that’s why I been writing… and why I’m on this journey/ That’s why I asked you to walk with me, hoping you could console me/ ‘Cause right now, I’m a mess… my mind’s been everywhere/ Still, I’m looking up to Jesus ’cause He’s already proved He cares//
I haven’t been this transparent in a while… It actually feels good to come here and write. It’s helping to get off my chest and out in the open so people will know and not just assume that I have things against them and such… I don’t have anything against anybody… I don’t hold grudges. I used to. It only stole away my peace though. Right now, I’m just going through some pains… Eventually these pains will lead to my growth in the end. I’m counting on it.
“Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.” Romans 8:18 (NLT)