These days, I talk don’t much… if I talk at all. Except to my therapist… or if I share a common interest with someone or even like people who I just somehow make a random connection with… then maybe I talk a bit more. And I talk to certain individuals on a daily basis; those who I know God put in my life to help me through this time. But I don’t talk to everybody like I used to.
My circle is not as big as it used to be. And it’s kind of painful, if I’m honest… I hate how some people are just not in the picture anymore more or we barely talk now when we used to talk a lot. Some people said they’d be here when I needed them… they’re not. They don’t call or even send a text. Like, they don’t have a clue what I’ve been through lately. Then, some people said, “You can talk to me about anything”… I tried that. Some people saw my flaws, failures and mistakes and judged what type of person I was based on those things… and that hurt.
And like, I try not to let it get to me that people change with the seasons. I try not to let it effect the way I communicate or deal with people who never even did a thing to hurt me… but it’s hard… Don’t get me wrong though; I’m not holding grudges or bitter. I just wann’a keep the little bit of sanity I got left from all that life has dealt me. I’m trying to keep from losing it. Of course I’m, more than likely, handling it all wrong… But this is where I’m at. And having social anxieties, or just being someone with anxiety problems, period doesn’t help what I’m going through at all.
I’m easily terrified of things that could possibly go wrong when it comes to my relationships with people. I over think things all the time. So… I can honestly say that I’ve shut doors on people and pushed people away more than I ever have, just to keep myself from having to endure more pain… I’ve even did it for their sake as well.
If you want, you can pray for me. I don’t mind it at all, honestly… ‘Cause I don’t really pray about it or try to fix it. I don’t want to… I’ve grown quite comfortable here. Like, this is where I’m at and I like it this way because I know I won’t be hurt… at least not as much as I could if I had a huge circle and everybody just walked out my life at the same time. If that makes sense?
In all honestly, though, I wann’a stand true to what I’m about no matter what. I’m all about being open and honest. I wann’a live a very transparent life… I wann’a be close to people, I wann’a have friends and build something like a family with like, everybody I come into contact with… That’s just who I am. It’s still in me to be that way no matter how much I don’t want it to be right now… I’m just not as consistent as I once was with that. It’s hard to want to open up to people now. I don’t want everyone knowing me It’s hard to reach out. It’s hard to feel like I matter to people as much as they matter to me and then judging me based on who I’ve been in the past or based on my mistakes.
Sometimes, I think that I have valued people a lot more than they’ll ever value me. I could be wrong… but that’s how I feel. Like, before I totally put my guards/walls up, I pursued bonds with people who I see now had no intention of wanting to bond with me. Now, it seems to be the other way around… and I can’t apologize enough. But I don’t know how to get past this stuff… So, I wrote this to vent and explain myself a bit, for those who have been wondering why they don’t hear from me; why I’m so distant and closed off… Hear my heart… It’s been aching… This one is called, “I’m Talking Now”:
I won’t open up to you, ’cause I don’t think that you deserve it/ If you really wann’a hear my heart, then prove yourself worthy/ Actually be here, don’t play with me… embrace all my transparency/ Don’t walk away when I get started letting off all the steam in me//
I’ve held this in for years, kind’a sorry that I did it/ But I’m here now and I’m going off; it’s not your fault, I get it/ I’m so distant and I know it, it’s hard to talk; I blow it/ So isolate and write, that’s how I deal with these emotions//
And I’m tired of getting attached to people just to watch’em walk away/ That’s why it’s hard to let you in, I struggle with this every day/ Wann’a hear me talk?! Then I need your full attention/ I know you feel the tension… that’s probably why it’s hard to listen//
I don’t mean to scream at you, but this is me… finally talking/ I’m finally breathing, holding my breath has been really exhausting/ I need to learn to talk; but I think it’s safer that I write/ ‘Cause if I keep this up, then I can see you walking out my life//
P.S. Don’t get me wrong; I’m more than grateful for the handful of people who I know God has placed in my path to be here with me during this season… Some of you have opened my eyes to my ways… because of ya’ll I’m constantly learning and growing. So, I might not be like this for the rest of my life… then again, I don’t know.
But, for the ones who are still here and have never left, I appreciate you and love you for everything. You’ve made a huge difference in my life and continue to, in ways you might never understand. Also for the ones who have at least tried to be here but I’ve shut you out, I love ya’ll too and I apologize for the gap in between us. I wish I knew how to deal with this a better way, but right now, this is the way I’m dealing with it. Maybe you’ll understand and hold out until I get it together… maybe you won’t and you’ll walk away. I can honestly say that it would make no difference to me. If you leave, maybe God didn’t want you here in the first place. If you stay, then, maybe God has a plan for us after all.